Public Speaking

I hate speaking in front of people. The thought of it brings me into a near panic. My anxiety level shoots up and I feel like my heart is going to explode. It has always been a great fear for me. Yesterday I had to look this fear in the face once again.

First let me tell you how this came about. One of the things God has lead Bekah and I to do here is start small groups throughout the city. We’ve shared this with our community and we received lots of great feedback and support. There is a group from Pennsylvania that comes to Granada twice a year and holds a conference with the intention of helping unify the churches here. Charles (the base director here) shared with one of the leaders our desire to start small groups and they thought it would be a great idea for me to share about this at the conference.

I was very nervous about the idea and I didn’t want to do it at first. But I felt God telling me that I needed to. The topic was small groups in the church and we decided that I would talk about our experience with small groups at our church in Birmingham and how they effected us. I was really prepared and I went over my material two or three times with Bekah. But the night before I had a near breakdown and I told Bekah some of the things that were going through my head. I was upset and I felt trapped. I felt like I was being pushed into this public speaking roll without any say in the matter. I threw out some pretty strong language and after we talked a bit, the lies that I had been listening to slowly started to come out:

You’ll never be able to do this.

What you have to say is not important.

You’re just not good at stuff like this.

You will fail.

After sharing this with Bekah, we were able to point out that these things in my head were lies and I went to bed feeling a little better about it but definitely not 100%. I woke up the next morning and as I went over my final preparations, I began to speak truth to myself:

I can do this.

What I have to say has value and merit.

Remember to BREATHE.

I went to the conference feeling peaceful about everything and I had this strange new feeling of confidence. My first group was at 10:30am and it went really well. It helped at first that I had a translator because after every phrase I could stop and catch my breath while they translated. There was a lot of interest and questions at the end. The people of Nicaragua are very relational so the concept of small groups really makes sense to them. I left feeling great about it and it was such a relief. The afternoon session was a breeze and again the response was amazing.

God really is in control of this thing isn’t he? When will I figure out that he is trying to shape me into a leader who has something valuable to share with the world? Not quite there, but I feel like I took a big step in the right direction yesterday.

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